Turpentine Baptism
by JustOnePogostick
Summary: Nessie messes up BIG TIME when she tries to answer the question "What does Jasper look like in the buff?" She sets off a chain reaction that may tear the Cullen family apart.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a companion story to Ginormous. My intention was to add a second chapter to Ginormous but, as I wrote the second chapter, the**

**tone became angsty (damn you Jasper!) and did not fit in with the smutty humor of the first chapter. So, to avoid giving you whiplash, dear reader,**

**I chose to post this as a companion story. I hope you enjoy reading it. **

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* * *

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**Turpentine Baptism**

Jasper looked at Reneesme from the corner of his eye. Yes, the girl was still staring at him and it was causing feelings of antagonism to boil up from his gut.

He knew she wasn't studying him in order to discover some weakness she could exploit, a way to gain control over him, or to take him down, but he couldn't

help the reaction her staring was causing in him. Not after all those years with Maria and the newborns.

He got up from the chair and walked upstairs, softly closing the door to his and Alice's bedroom.

Alice looked up from her sketch pad. "Why the frown?"

"Nessie. She keeps staring at me. It's unnerving."

"Oh. She's trying to imagine what you look like with your clothes off."

"Excuse me?" How could Alice say something like that? And with no trace of jealousy or exasperation in her voice?

"She walked in on Rosalie and Emmett while they were having sex and she got an eyeful of Emmett in the buff.

Now she's wondering what you look like underneath all your clothing."

"You're joking, right?"

Alice grinned and shook her head. "Make sure you lock the bathroom door when you take a shower."

* * *

Reneesme caught the jean jacket and tossed it on Rosalie and Emmett's bed. Rosalie had been struck with the urge to clear out her closet and,

since everyone else was out of the house for the day, Rosalie had recruited Reneesmee to help. But she didn't mind because something had been on her mind

(except for when her father was around!) ever since she had accidentally walked in on Rosalie and Emmett a few weeks ago.

"Do Alice and Jasper ever have sex?"

Rosalie's laughter rang out. "Of course they do!"

"Are you sure?" Reneesme wasn't convinced. She had crept past Alice and Jasper's bedroom at various times and had heard nothing with the exception of the two talking

to each other in hushed voices.

Rosalie stepped out of the closet with her arms full of shoes. "Last week I walked into the garage and saw the two of them—"

"In the garage!" Reneesme's eyes widened.

Rosalie nodded her head once and smirked. "Of course by the time I walked in Alice had seen that I was going to interrupt them.

They had pulled themselves apart but I could tell what they'd been doing in there." Rosalie dropped the shoes on her bed.

"How? I mean they could have been in there for some other reason. Maybe they were going to take Alice's Porsche to Port Angles or Seattle."

Rosalie ticked off the reasons on her fingers. "They were nowhere near Alice's Porsche. Jasper wouldn't look me in the eye—that's a major tell right there.

And Alice had this impish smile on her lips as she dragged Jasper out of there by the hand." Rosalie smoothed down her jacket.

"Alice told me Jasper absolutely hates that we can hear it when he and Alice have sex so they don't do it in their bedroom too often."

"So they go to the garage?" Reneesme didn't think that sounded too romantic. It was cold and smelled like oil.

"Not usually since I'm in there most of the time. They'll spend the weekend somewhere "catching up" or they'll go up in the mountains for the day if Alice is impatient."

* * *

Alice giggled as she watched Reneesme's plans became more elaborate and more absurd. Jasper squeezed her closer into his side

and kissed her temple. "What is it? You've been giggling all afternoon."

Alice kissed Jasper's lips. "It's nothing."

"What stupid thing is Emmett going to do now?" Jasper asked.

Alice felt Jasper's surprise when she said, "Wrong." She bit back a laugh when she saw an image of Jasper drenched with Hershey's chocolate syrup

and feathers sticking to him. She supposed Nessie wouldn't want to "hurt" Jasper by pouring tar on him.

* * *

Reneesme angled the paint can so it would look like an accident. "Jasper!"

Jasper sped into Reneesme's room and looked up at Reneesme standing on the ladder. "Does Esme know you're painting your room… red?"

"Um, yeah…of course."

Jasper raised his eyebrows at her.

"I dropped my brush. Will you hand it to me?" She pointed at the brush on the floor. The one coated with red paint.

As Jasper bent down to pluck the sticky brush from the wooden floor Reneesme pushed the paint can.

He looked up at her and started to say, 'You got paint on the floor,' when the paint can tipped over. He raised his hand to catch it but the can had up-ended

and red paint rained down on his hair and face, streaming down his neck, back and chest. Jasper stood up and rushed toward his and Alice's bathroom.

Reneesme jumped from the ladder and landed on her bed, letting the springiness of the mattress propel her forward as she raced out the door to follow Jasper.

Jasper ripped the towel from the bar and blotted at the tacky paint. He hoped he had been quick enough about it to keep paint from leaking all over Esme's floor.

He glanced at himself in the mirror; the red wetness matted his hair, stained his face--he stopped breathing as a particularly horrid memory played out in front of his eyes:

His mouth was drenched with it, it ran down his neck, coated his hands; the girl's shrill scream devolved into agonized gurgling but that sound was inconsequential

next to the hissing of her warm blood shooting from the clumsy wound he'd gouged in her neck. It sprayed all over him. The blood struck his face and immediately cooled.

It soaked into his hair, matting it. His hands were sticky with it.

The smile on Reneesme's face disappeared when she pushed open the bathroom door and saw Jasper standing in front of the mirror shaking.

"Jasper?" He turned his head slowly and looked at her with wide, black eyes.

But he wasn't seeing Reneesme. He saw that pretty auburn-hair girl with the sunny smile and the cornflower blue eyes. Jasper sank to his knees

and leaned his forehead against the bathroom counter. Why hadn't he listened to Peter? Why had he insisted on doing things his way? Why had he told the girl his name? His real name?

"Esme!" Reneesme turned and sped downstairs.

* * *

She ran outside. "Esme! There's something's wrong with Jasper!"

Esme stood and brushed the dirt from her knees and patted her gardening gloves together before she peeled them off. She quickly followed Reneesme.

She noticed red spots on her floor but knew from the smell that it was paint and not blood. She filed that tidbit under to-be-dealt-with-later.

Jasper was sitting with his back against the wall, his knees drawn up, and his face buried against his arms. Esme saw he was covered in the same tint of red she'd seen on her floors.

Esme shot Reneesme a questioning look.

"I was painting my room. It was an accident."

Of all the colors to choose! Esme knelt down in front of Jasper and placed her hands lightly against his forearm.

"Jasper, I'm sure Alice is on her way but would like for me to call her anyway?" Jasper shook his head.

"What's wrong with him?" Reneesme whispered. It was paint! It wasn't as if she'd dropped a burning torch on him.

But, at this point, she felt just as guilty.

"Go to the garage and look for turpentine or paint thinner and bring some of Rosalie's shop rags with you."

* * *

Once Reneesme had left Esme said, "Bad memories?"

Jasper wrapped his arms around Esme's waist and buried his face against her shoulder. Esme hugged him closer.

She could only guess at what was causing Jasper to feel such pain—he confided in Alice only but Edward also knew some of the details of Jasper's past.

"We'll clean this off and you'll be as good as new," Esme murmured.

_Baptism with turpentine instead of Holy Water? _Japer let out a short, bitter laugh.

Reneesme rushed in with the turpentine and rags and laid them on the floor next to Esme.

She watched as Esme soaked one of the rags and gently scrubbed Jasper's face first. She concentrated on his hair next, using most of the small can.

Then she gently wiped down the front of his neck. Jasper's clasped Esme's wrist when she reached to unbutton the top of his shirt.

His eyes locked on hers.

Esme gave him a small smile and then said, "I'm sorry Jasper. I wasn't thinking."

Jasper slid her hand into his and held it briefly, squeezing softly before letting go. "I can manage the rest by myself," he said, gently pushing Esme away.

He stood up and held out his hand to help her up even though they both knew she did not require any help.

Esme herded Reneesme through the door and closed it.

* * *

Jasper plugged the sink and poured the turpentine over his hands. The clear liquid turned pink as it filled the basin_._ Jasper closed his eyes against the unbidden memory

but still he heard Peter's voice saying _"Jasper, what have you __done?" _Jasper looked at himself in the mirror; his reflection glared back at him with red eyes.

He slammed his palms against the mirror as if he were trying to shove that _other _Jasper away from him.

It cracked and then dropped like sheets of ice, shattering as the pieces struck the counter.

* * *

"Why on Earth would you choose to paint your room red? And without consulting me first?" Esme asked.

She poured Reneesme a glass of apple juice and pushed it toward her.

"I like red. And I thought you'd say no."

"That's because red belongs in a bordello, not a teenaged girl's room."

"You sound like Charlie," she groused.

They both heard the growl followed by something shattering. Emse pulled out her cell phone and pressed 4; Reneesme slid off the bar stool. "How far are you?" she asked Alice and then shouted, "Nessie, don't—"

Reneesme ignored her and was bounding up the stairs taking them two and three at a time. "I'll call you back." Esme pressed 'end' and shouted, "Reneesme Carlie Cullen, you stop right this minute!"

Reneesme pushed open the door and immediately collided into Jasper. He grabbed her by the upper arms to keep her from falling on her backside.

She stared at the raised, crescent-shaped scars. They were everywhere! And they over-lapped. She had seen the ones on his face, neck, and hands.

And she knew Jasper favored wearing long-sleeved shirts with collars to hide the scarring… but she'd had no idea...how could she have?

And now she saw.

* * *

Jasper had heard Reneesme coming upstairs and he had moved to close and lock the door. He hadn't realized just how fast she was running. The door was swinging open.

She slammed into him.

And he was in a pair of boxer shorts, completely exposed.

Her innocent eyes widened and he braced himself against the anticipated feelings—fear, loathing, disgust-- but she surprised him.

She was angry and saddened but the anger was foremost and it was blazing from her, threatening to sear his soul.

"Reneesme Cullen..." Esme's eyes widened when she saw Jasper. She inhaled sharply. "Jasper…I'm so…so sorry…Carlisle and I had no idea…"

He felt Esme's sorrow rush toward him but it did not weigh him down like the next emotion: pity. He didn't want her pity. He'd deserved what had been done to him.

Jasper concentrated on Reneesme feelings, and foolishly allowed her anger to feed his own, allowing it to build until he was shaking with it. He snarled and propelled Reneesme toward Esme.

"I don't want nor do I deserve your pity. Now get the hell out and leave me alone!" He slammed the door on them.

* * *

Jasper pulled his ringing cell phone from his pocket. He knew from the bubbly ringtone that it was Alice calling. He also knew it would hurt Alice's feelings if he ignored her call.

He wasn't in the mood to care. Not about her. Not about anyone. Not about anything. Not right now.

He threw the phone at the wall.

He had to leave.

Before they started asking questions. Before Reneesme pestered Edward until he relented and told them everything.

_Everything_. Jasper could live with Reneesme's anger. What he couldn't live with was the look on Esme's face and the ache.

The one he would feel every time she looked at him and remembered.


	2. It Was Me

**It Was Me**

Alice sprinted through the front door and up the stairs. She didn't have to knock; Jasper knew it was her and the door was open.

She glanced at the empty suitcase sitting on the bed next to him. "Were you going somewhere?"

"You know that I'm not." Jasper wouldn't look at her.

"You can always change your mind," Alice whispered sadly.

"And the second I do, you'll know."

Alice knelt in front him and took his hands in hers. "I know you don't really want to leave."

"She saw them."

Alice squeezed his hands. "I know," she said quietly.

Jasper bared his teeth. "All of them."

Alice nodded her head. "I know."

Jasper closed his eyes, remembering the look on Esme's face. He didn't need his special ability to see the absolute shock, the sorrow, and the pity.

If all he'd have to endure was seeing the emotions written all over Esme's face, he could live with that, but feeling them was so much worse.

The sorrow had been deep and aching and the feeling had wrenched his gut, but the pity had incensed him, ignited his carefully controlled anger.

He pulled his hands from Alice's and clenched them, pressing his knuckles against his eyes. "I don't want to feel…" He exhaled loudly.

"Every time she sees me, I'll feel it and I'll… I'm afraid I might come unraveled."

Alice rubbed Jasper's knees through the denim of his jeans. "Leaving would hurt her more."

When Jasper didn't reply she said, "You do know, next to Edward, you're her favorite, right?"

"Esme doesn't have favorites. And even if she did, I wouldn't be one of them. She worries more whenever I'm around."

"Is that honestly all Esme feels when she's in the same room with you?"

"It's the more dominant feeling."

Alice stood and sat on Jasper's knee, wrapping her arms around his neck. She kissed his temple. "That's because she feels protective of you, silly."

Why would Esme ever think he'd need protecting? She'd seen the scars on his face and neck, on his hands and arms from day one.

* * *

Esme pressed her fisted hands against her stomach. "Oh Carlisle, if you'd seen it…they were everywhere, just everywhere."

Carlisle placed his hands on Esme's shoulders, kneading them. "You're trembling."

"That's because I want to cry and I can't." Esme wrapped her arms around Carlisle's waist and buried her face against his chest.

That poor boy! What a horrible existence! What if he'd never run away? What if Alice never found him?"

They heard a knock on their bedroom door. "Come in, Alice," Carlisle said.

Esme walked toward Alice and took her hands in hers. "Jasper?"

Alice sighed. "He thinks he wants to leave."

"Absolutely not!"

Both Alice and Carlisle gave her a shocked look. Esme was shaking her head.

"Esme darling, Jasper is a grown man and if he wants to leave we cannot force him to stay."

"But we're family, he's part of our family." Esme glanced at Alice and then locked her gaze on Carlisle's eyes.

What Esme saw in his eyes spoke volumes: We are not a coven. Not like Maria. Not like her coven. Jasper is free to come and go as he pleases.

Alice interrupted the silent exchange between Carlisle and Esme. "He only thinks he wants to leave. He hasn't made a firm decision yet."

"I'm not afraid of him," Esme said. "Reneesme isn't afraid of him."

"Jasper knows that," Alice said.

"Then why does he want to leave?"

* * *

He heard her ascending the stairs; her unmistakable smell reached his nose before she knocked.

"Come in," Jasper said. He tensed against the anticipated feelings as Esme closed the door and approached him.

She reached out her hand. The action became hesitant when she saw he was tensed and not breathing;

her fingers brushed lightly against his back before she dropped her hand back down to her side. "Jasper, I'm sorry—"

"You have nothing to feel sorry about," he whispered ferociously.

Esme took one step back and tried again. "I wanted to apologize. I know Reneesme and I saw something we weren't meant to—"

"Stop. Please." Jasper turned to face Esme. "I don't want you to feel sorry for me"

"I don't. We don't." Esme shook her head, her eyes wide.

Her emotions told him differently. "I was a bad person. I did unspeakable things," Jasper paused as the image of the auburn-haired girl with the cornflower blue eyes flashed in his memory.

"Selfish, selfish things," he whispered, unable to look Esme in the eye. "Things I won't tell Alice."

But Edward knew. He knew everything.

Esme shivered when she felt Jasper's fear and anxiety roll toward her. As if reading his mind, she said, "Edward would never tell us—any of us-- anything unless you wanted him to."

It was a lie.

He knew it.

And so did Esme.

Edward had set aside his personal code of conduct in the past. Not long after he and Alice had shown up on the Cullens's doorstep

and Carlisle had taken the two of them in. The look in Esme's eyes told him she was remembering the same thing.

"We didn't know you then," she whispered, "not like we do now. Nothing Edward could tell us now would make us love you any less…

would make us want you to leave. Jasper, please… don't leave."

Jasper shook his head, trying to deny the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach as Esme's love radiated out and covered him like a shroud.

"I don't deserve your love. Especially not from you, Esme."

Esme approached him, intent on embracing him; he stopped her, bracing his hands on her shoulders.

He really had been blind all these years. She looked so much like her.

Esme gently placed her hands on his forearms and looked up at him, and for a brief moment Jasper was seeing that other woman.

"I thought I loved her, but it was her, all her. I was too lonely to care, too lonely to untangle her emotions from my own,

to sort them out like Peter had told me to do… before I did something rash."

Esme placed her hands on Jasper's cheeks. "You are not the only one in this family who has killed a human."

He pulled Esme against him suddenly, his lips brushing up against her neck until his mouth was hovering next to her ear. "It was me."

He crushed her closer to him, swaying. "Oh Amy, I tried to stop, you have to believe that."

Esme stopped breathing. Did Jasper just call her Amy?


	3. Amy

**Amy**

_Esme stopped breathing. Did Jasper just call her Amy?_

It was a coincidence. Nothing more. But Esme found herself pushing Jasper away. "What did you just call me?"

He released his hold on her. Jasper looked confused. "Esme?"

She shook her head. "You said Amy."

She hadn't spoken or thought about Amy since before Carlisle had turned her.

How could Jasper have known her baby sister's name?

He blinked once, slowly. "Are you sure?"

Esme nodded, trying not to jump to conclusions, but failing miserably.

She noticed Jasper looked agitated, his eyes darting around the room, his breaths coming in closer together.

Her escalating feelings of panic were clearly affecting him, overwhelming him, so she tried to squash them, push them away before she asked,

"How do you know my youngest sister's name?"

Jasper's hands were shaking and he looked miserable.

He should have run away like the coward he knew he was; let Edward tell her.

He swallowed. The taste was bitter and the venom abraded his dry throat.

Jasper looked Esme in the eye. "I knew her."

He watched. And he waited.

Esme glanced away when she asked, "Did you kill her?"

Her voice was so small, and when he felt the rawness of her vulnerability, he imagined his dead heart shattering into infinite pieces.

He wanted to tell her no. But that was a lie.

He wanted to say that he hadn't meant to do it.

But the irrational beast inside him had known what his rational brain had not:

he would trip over that fine line, he would cross it, and he would murder the girl he had intended to use

as a buffer against the agonizing loneliness.

He had allowed himself to believe the lie, much to the delight of the monster inside him.

He couldn't speak. So he nodded instead.

And he closed his eyes, tightly.

He didn't need to see the look of agony on her face. He felt it.

He felt it all coming crashing into him: agony, hurt, disbelief, betrayal, anger, shame, and on and on and on and on.

Jasper hung his head. The pain Esme was feeling was too much to bear.

It weighted him down, made his soul feel weary; his bones and sinew ached.

He fell to his knees and buried his head in his hands, shaking under the strain of it all.

He wanted to shout at her, to tell her to leave, but his voice wouldn't come.

* * *

Edward lowered the picture he had been holding against the wall and handed it to Bella.

"Something's wrong with Esme," he told her as he sped out of the cottage toward the main house.

He raced into Carlisle and Esme's bedroom without bothering to knock.

She was sitting on their bed, wrapped in Carlisle's arms, sobbing. Edward knelt down next to her.

"Esme, I couldn't follow what was happening…" Edward looked up at Carlisle.

Carlisle saw the anger on Edward's face and shook his head. _No, you and Emmett keep away from Jasper._

_He's even more distraught than Esme. She'll be fine once she lets it all out. We should be more worried about Jasper._

_He tends to hold onto these things. _

Edward rubbed Esme's arm. She reached for his hand and he took it.

_Edward, you know I don't normally condone spying, but… Esme will want to know what Jasper is thinking._

Of course Esme would worry more about Jasper and his feelings than her own.

Edward understood, from her thoughts over the past fifty-plus years, that she felt one day, with enough love and patience,

the broken man that was Jasper Whitlock would eventually accept that he did deserve unconditional love.

Edward had his doubts that Esme would ever see that transformation.

He'd caught glimpses of too many dark thoughts, memories of past deeds and wrong-doings that didn't just haunt Jasper, they seemed to hunt him.

And anything and everything, no matter how trivial or minor, could dredge up some of the oldest and harshest memories.

Edward hated that the only thing that seemed to soothe Jasper was Alice. It didn't seem fair to Alice.

Did Jasper truly love her for herself, or because she kept his demons at bay? Edward wasn't sure, and he didn't think Jasper was either.

* * *

He wouldn't allow her to lead him to the soft bed, so they sat on the floor, in the corner.

She was sitting with her back against the wall; Jasper was curled up against her, his face pressed against her breast, his long arms wrapped around her tiny frame,

holding her much too tightly. But she didn't complain.

That would only add one more hurt to the jumbled mess of emotions Jasper was sorting through.

Most of the family, with the exception of Edward and she, did not fully realize the very personal and lasting impact their emotions made on Jasper.

He didn't just register everyone else's unique feelings. He wasn't a casual third-party observer, safely observing their emotions outside of the experience.

He absorbed them and could easily lose his sense of self in the maelstrom of other people's emotions.

Sometimes, like tonight, it was hard to let go of the sinking ship.

Alice noted, with no small amount of pride, that Jasper had gotten good at tucking away the barrage of feelings he was confronted with

on a daily basis without dwelling on each and every one. He made a conscious effort to minimize the impact

all those feelings made on him as they chipped away at his self, his identity. When he was calm, he was able to focus

and could separate his own feelings from other, but when another's emotions were especially strong, or insistent, or relentless

he floundered like a man drowning.

Alice didn't know what had happened between Jasper and Esme, but she was certain there had to be some rational explanation, perhaps Edward would know.

* * *

"I…can't believe I struck him," Esme sobbed into Carlisle's chest.

With that single nod, something inside of her had snapped.

She had closed the short distance between Jasper and herself and she had struck him across the face with both hands until he sank to his knees;

then she beat him around the head and shoulders with her fists until Emmett had pulled her off him.

She may have struck Emmett as well. She wasn't certain.

Carlisle was at a loss. Esme was not a violent woman. He knew this even as he watched her strike Jasper repeatedly.

Both he and Alice had been too stunned to react. Emmett had been the one to push through them, the one to pull Esme away from Jasper.

"Did he threaten you?"

She shook her head and twisted Carlisle's shirt in her fist. "Why did he even tell me? I'd forgotten all about her!"

Carlisle pried her hand from his shirt and held it. "Esme, what did Jasper tell you?"

Esme looked up at him. "He killed my sister Amy."


	4. Close To You

**A/N: WARNING: There be angst-filled scenes ahead...**

* * *

**Closer to You**

_Carlisle pried her hand from his shirt and held it._

Carlisle had no other way to explain it: he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut and he couldn't catch his breath,

but that was ridiculous because he didn't need to breathe.

Carlisle swallowed the venom that had flooded his mouth. "You knew Jasper… before…?"

Esme shook her head.

Carlisle mentally chided himself. Of course Esme would never keep something like that from him.

"We knew Amy was in love, but she said father wouldn't approve of him. When she disappeared…"

Esme buried her face in Carlisle's shirt and sobbed. "…we thought she had eloped."

She gripped Carlisle more tightly. "Why does knowing hurt so badly? She was gone. She's been gone. Why does it matter how?"

* * *

Reneesme stood in the doorway to her room and chewed on her thumbnail as she watched her father.

He was standing in the middle of the staircase, one foot on the step in front of him,

his right hand resting on the banister rail, still as a statue.

His eyes were closed and she wondered whose thoughts he was concentrating on

and whose thoughts he was dismissing.

His voice startled her: "Jasper's."

Then he said, "No."

She had been wondering if she was to blame. It had been her stupid idea to drop the paint can on Jasper.

"Yes, it was stupid, but you had no way of knowing it would set him off like that."

_I must have chosen red for some reason…_

"Reneesme," her father opened his eyes and looked up at her, "stop berating yourself over this.

I need to concentrate on what Jasper is thinking."

He made a shooing motion with his hand and closed his eyes again.

* * *

She would never forgive him for keeping this from her.

Why hadn't he told her as soon as he had made the connection between Esme and Amy?

_Because you're a coward… you were afraid…always afraid… _

_they wouldn't have let you stay…she wanted to belong to a family…_

_you weren't enough… she might have sent you away… _

He didn't believe that now.

If Esme wanted him gone, Alice would go with him —he knew that with a certainty he couldn't explain.

But all those years ago… he hadn't felt that secure about Alice's confessed devotion to him.

Would she have chosen him over her new family?

* * *

Edward growled, aggravated with Jasper for drawing comparisons between Alice and Amy where there was none,

for allowing Reneesme's ill-conceived prank to serve as a catalyst for his self-flagellation, for thinking only of himself.

While everyone else in the family believed that Jasper always thought of Alice first, that he would do anything and everything

to make her happy because he loved her too much, they were only partly correct. Edward knew from Jasper's thoughts that Jasper wasn't sure

if what he felt for Alice was truly love… he simply needed her too badly.

* * *

He felt Alice place a soft kiss against his forehead. He lifted his face so she could kiss him on the lips.

"You are my light…" he whispered before smashing his mouth against hers.

He kissed her roughly, tangling his fingers in her hair, pulling her beneath him, tearing at her clothes.

He needed her… close… as close as he could get to her.

His salvation.

"I won't leave you, ever," Alice assured him between kisses. But her words seemed to have the opposite effect.

She felt his uncertainty spike and then desperation settled in.

He was pressing her against the floor, ravaging her mouth and neck with his lips and teeth.

Alice heard the floor crack. "Edward is listening," she said softly.

He pressed down harder, trying to get closer.

"Let him listen," he growled back over his shoulder toward the door.

_It must be bad. _If Jasper didn't care that Edward was listening to him have his way with her.

Because that's what Jasper was doing. They weren't making love.

Alice was glad that she didn't need to breathe. Thankful that she didn't bruise.

* * *

Edward rapidly ascended the stairs, but halted at the landing when he heard Alice: _Edward, stop! He's not hurting me._

That wasn't the honest truth. The pressure Jasper was exerting against her was uncomfortable,

almost unbearable, but not quite.

He was probably causing some type of structural damage.

But he needed this… to maneuver through some complex labyrinth of emotions between past and present and Alice would not deny him.

She squeaked in surprise when she felt Jasper sink his teeth into the skin above her left breast.

* * *

Edward banged his fist against the door several times. "Damn you, Jasper, I'm coming in!"

_Edward, no!_

He ignored Alice and swung open the door.

Jasper had pulled on his jeans and was already on his feet, rushing toward him, his eyes black and his teeth bared.

Alice was sitting on the floor in the corner, covering herself with Jasper's shirt, but he still saw it:

the top half of a bite mark on her chest.

Jasper crashed into him and they both tumbled over the stair railing

* * *

Reneesme screamed.

Carlisle and Esme rushed into the family room as Reneesme and Alice were speeding down the stairs.

Jasper had landed on top of Edward and had him pinned down against the floor;

Edward was fighting him off, holding him back at arm's length.

Jasper snarled and snapped his teeth.

Emmett and Rosalie sailed through the front door and Emmett launched himself at Jasper's back.

He looped his arms underneath Jasper's, locking his hands behind Jasper's head and dragged him off Edward.

Jasper hissed and kicked and twisted.

"Whoa, chill out, bro," Emmett said, chuckling.

He grinned at Edward as he approached them and said, "Damn, Eddie what did you? I have never seen Jasper this--"

Edward punched Jasper in the face.

And was about to strike him again but Emmett turned them quickly

so Edward's fist landed against the back of his shoulder instead of making contact with Jasper.

Emmett said, "Not cool, Edward… that was a dirty move and you know it. I should let him go."

"Let him go!" Edward shouted and crouched low.

"Emmett, don't," Carlisle said, walking to stand in between Emmett and Jasper and Edward.

_What has come over you, my son?_

Edward straightened up, unable to look Carlisle in the eye.

He glared at Jasper instead. "He was hurting Alice."

"Carlise, he wasn't," Alice protested. Alice looked at Jasper and said firmly, "You weren't."

Edward grabbed Alice by the arm, eliciting a deep growl from Jasper and a renewed struggle against Emmett's hold on him.

He pulled aside the collar on the over-sized shirt and pointed.

"There," he said to Carlisle, "He bit her with enough force to penetrate the skin."

_Have we all gone mad?_

Carlisle asked, "May I?"

Alice turned her head aside as Carlisle examined the wound.

It wasn't a superficial love bite and Jasper's venom was keeping it from healing.

_Why would he mark her like that? _

Edward shot Jasper an angry look when he heard Carlisle's assessment.

"She's not some piece of property! Do you think branding her makes her—"

Alice slapped Edward.

* * *

**A/N: Thought I'd experiment and end a chapter with a cliff-hanger (I'm not personally a fan of a chapter ending mid-scene esp. if I'm the reader!)**


	5. Have We All Gone Mad?

**A/N: I just re-read the previous chapter and I apologize for experimenting with THE CLIFF-HANGER. I won't be doing that again. It's just too cruel.**

**And annoying. (Heck, I knew what was coming up next and I was annoyed!)**

_Alice turned her head aside as Carlisle examined the wound._

_It wasn't a superficial love bite and Jasper's venom was keeping it from healing._

_**Why would he mark her like that? **_

_Edward shot Jasper an angry look when he heard Carlisle's assessment._

"_She's not some piece of property! Do you think __branding__ her makes her—"_

_Alice slapped Edward._

**Have We All Gone Mad?**

She wasn't angry with him. She knew he thought he was defending her and she felt wretched for hitting him,

but she had to cut him off before the words left his mouth:

_'You of all people should know how degrading it is to have someone put her mark on you.' _

Alice buried her face against Edward's chest. _I'm sorry… but look at him…I couldn't allow you to say it…_

_no matter how angry you think are._

They all stared at her with varying degrees of shock or disbelief on their faces. Everyone except for Edward

because he'd heard her thoughts and he took the time to really look at the condition Jasper was in.

The man was practically sagging in Emmett's arms. His eyes were both wild and weary.

He turned Alice's words in his mind--_**no matter how angry you think you are.**_

And then he understood.

Alice turned away from Edward and stepped toward Jasper with her arms open.

Emmett released his hold, and Jasper fell into her, his weight bringing both of them to their knees.

Jasper spoke softly into her ear and Alice nodded.

She looked at the rest of the family. "Will you all please leave?"

Rosalie started to say something but Edward cut her off with a stern look and a shake of his head.

"Of course, Alice," Carlisle said, motioning the rest of the family toward the front door.

Rosalie stomped down the front steps. "Why should we all have to leave?

You were the one brawling with him! Emmett wouldn't have bothered to intercede on your behalf

if it hadn't looked as if Jasper was going to tear you apart."

Edward ignored her and said, "Carlisle, we can't loiter out here. We're too close."

_Too close for what?_

Before Carlisle had a chance to ask his question out loud, Edward was answering him.

"I think Jasper's gone into some sort of emotional over-load."

… _**how angry you think you are…you think you are…you think…**_

"Is that what Alice told you?"

Edward frowned. "Alice didn't really say, but I think we may have been affected by some of what Jasper was feeling."

_About himself. _Edward didn't speak that last part.

He was trying to respect Jasper's private thoughts as much as he could while explaining the situation to Carlisle.

_Is that why we found Esme beating Jasper… the two of you fighting…_

Edward nodded.

* * *

"Alice I can still feel them, can we please go?"

Alice stood, bringing Jasper with her. She took him by the hand and they ran up the mountain, with her leading them,

until Jasper slowed and stopped running. He dropped to his knees and rolled onto his back.

Alice stretched her small body on top of his and sent him all her love.

They remained silent and motionless until sunrise.

"I don't deserve to have you," Jasper mumbled.

"Don't say that." She felt his doubt snaking out toward her.

"All I do is take. Your love. Your happiness."

Now she felt his anxiety. "That's not true, and you know it."

"How do you know I'm not telling you the truth right now?" Confusion.

"Because I feel your love. Especially when you watch me, when you look at me when you think I'm not paying attention,

when you think I won't notice you watching me. You always feel apprehension, confusion, doubt… but those emotions always dissipate.

But your love? It doesn't. And the intensity of it sets my soul on fire

and the feeling floods into my heart until I'm sure it's going to burst to over-filling."

Alice smiled at the feelings of overwhelming joy radiating off him.

She lifted her head from his chest and looked down at him. "That's all you."

His eyes met hers briefly. "Yes."

God help him, he did love this woman… more than he ever thought possible.

Alice giggled. "Why are you embarrassed?" She twirled her finger around a lock of his hair.

How could he tell this amazing little woman that it had taken him fifty-plus years to realize

that he still had love within himself to give? He couldn't and he wouldn't.

The truth might wound her. So he said, "I made a mess of things," by way of explanation.

He'd fed Esme his own feelings of hatred for himself until she'd had no choice but to strike out at him.

But Edward? That had been unexpected. Without a doubt, Edward had felt his rage, but those feelings had been

directed at Edward, not at himself, and should not have caused Edward to punch him. So what had?

And what made Edward presume that he had the right to interrupt a private act between Alice and himself?

* * *

Alice stepped into the house and approached Esme, hugging her.

"Jasper wants to speak with you alone, if that's all right with you."

Esme nodded. "Of course, it is."

Esme walked outside and followed Jasper's scent into the forest.

She waited patiently until he appeared from behind a tree.

"Esme, I…" Jasper shoved his hands in his pockets. He what?

Esme took a step forward but forced herself to stop. She didn't want to frighten Jasper away.

"I'm so sorry for hitting you. I don't know what came over me. I don't know why I was so angry."

"You have nothing to apologize for. That was me… all me."

Esme frowned. "What do you mean?"

Jasper exhaled and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. "I was angry at myself…

for hurting you, for disappointing you. I wanted to feel your anger—you had every right.

So I projected my own anger onto you in order to force you to be angry with me."

He looked her in the eye, "But it wasn't enough."

"How can you say that? I attacked you!"

Jasper looked at the ground.

"Only after I amplified your anger, mingled it with my own, and sent it back at you."

"Why would you ever want me to strike you?"

"Because… I deserve your wrath."

Emse shook her head. "Nobody deserves to be treated like that."

Jasper let out a short, bitter laugh. He'd killed her youngest sister!

She should be shouting at him, shunning him, telling him he was no longer a part of their family, forcing him to leave their house, their home.

How different his life had become.

And he was still adjusting to it.

How many more decades was it going to take?

When would he be able to successfully scrub the filth of his life before Alice and the Cullens from his conscience?

Would it take another century of existence? More?

Emse approached him slowly. She reached out and placed her hand on his upper arm, rubbing it.

"Why don't you loathe me?" All he he felt was love tinged with slight sadness and regret.

"That was a long time ago. You didn't know any better."

He wanted to tell Esme that she was wrong. Yes, it had happened a long time ago and he hadn't known about the 'vegetarian' lifestyle back then,

but Peter had warned him repeatedly that he wasn't strong enough to abstain from draining the girl in order to effect the change.

Had it been his wounded pride?

Or the feeling of absolute loneliness in the presence of Peter and Charlotte's love

and devotion for each other that had driven him to a desperate act and disaster?

Jasper allowed Esme to pull him into an embrace. "Our family wouldn't be complete without you and Alice."

* * *

**A/N: Okay, I'm going to attempt to wrap this up in the next chapter so it doesn't go on and on ad nauseum...**

** BTW If anyone is interested in writing the story of what happened between Amy and Jasper plz feel free to take a ****crack at it! And send me a msg so I can read it! **


	6. Unlike Words Feelings Don't Lie

**Unlike Words Feelings Don't Lie**

Jasper reclined on the thick tree limb and closed his eyes. He opened himself to his emotions. The memory of the first time he saw Amy rushed into his mind.

He had caught a glimpse of her across the street from the tree he had been forced to take shelter under against an unexpected break in the clouds.

He had been struck by the warmth of her smile and the sincere friendliness in those cornflower blue eyes. He had felt inexplicably drawn to her.

"_This is madness, Jasper. Pure madness. It won't end well for the girl, and you know it."_

Peter's words had wounded him. Especially after he had let down his guard and had admitted to Peter that he finally understood the words 'love at first sight'.

He ignored Peter's warning and easily charmed Amy, explained away his cold skin and red eyes as a blood disease. She believed him. Trusted him.

And through ignorance he had betrayed that trust.

_He felt nervousness and worry screaming off her and immediately said, "What's wrong?"_

_He hadn't meant the words to come out gruff, but he'd never felt anything but positive emotions from Amy and these unexpected emotions unsettled him._

_Tears sprang to her eyes and were running down her face and, before he had a chance to ask her again, in a gentler tone, she blurted out, "I think I'm pregnant."_

Jasper remembered staring at her in disbelief. Never in all his years had he heard of a vampire impregnating a human

so the words tumbled from his lips before his brain even knew he was asking: _"Whose…?"_

"_What do you mean whose?" _

_He felt her anger and mumbled a pathetic, "I didn't know I was able to…you know."_

_Amy's anger quickly receded and she said softly, "Because of your blood disease?"_

He had wanted to scream and laugh at the irony in her words.

He hadn't told Peter about the baby. He wasn't even certain that there was a baby until Amy's stomach ballooned out and then grew at an alarming rate.

And when he realized that whatever was inside her was killing her, he tried the only thing he thought could save her: he attempted to change her.

And in the process he killed her and left his unborn child inside her to die.

"You had no way of knowing the child was viable."

Jasper sprang into a crouch and hissed at Edward. _Did Emse not tell you that I requested to be left alone!_

Edward nodded. "I thought I was making enough noise to alert you to my presence."

_Bullshit! You were creeping around... eavesdropping… like you always do._

"That wasn't my intent. I merely wanted to apologize for Reneesme—"

"No."

"Excuse me?" Edward raised his eyebrows.

_WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?_

"I told you—"

Jasper leaned out from the branch and hissed. _Haven't you already plucked what you were looking for from my thoughts? _

"Or do you want more ammunition against me when you go to Alice?"

Edward frowned. "Jasper, I don't know what you think—"

Jasper's harsh laughter cut him off. "You know exactly what I think!"

_And I know what you feel. How you feel. _

Edward glanced away from Jasper.

_Shall I tell Bella she isn't the only woman who has a claim on your heart?_

Edward glared up at Jasper, narrowing his eyes at him. "I love her like a sister, nothing more."

Jasper gave him a grim look. _What would Bella have to say if I explained, in explicit terms, the extent of your brotherly affection for Alice?_

Edward turned his back on Jasper. "You have a truly disgusting mind."

"I'm not the one lusting after my sister."

Edward whirled around. "She's not my—" He clamped his mouth shut.

_Gotcha! _

Jasper jumped down from the branch, landing lightly on his feet. He walked away from Edward.

_How does that feel, Edward? Having your most private feelings exposed? Without your permission?_

Edward exhaled loudly and stalked after Jasper. "You've made your point, but let me make mine. I don't go around telling the family secrets."

"Unless you decide the family has a right to know," Jasper threw at him over his shoulder.

Edward ran his hand through his hair. "You're not still angry about me telling Carlisle and Esme some of what happened to you when you belonged to Ma—"

Jasper rushed him and thrust his face close to Edward's. "Don't you say her name!"

Edward took a step back.

Jasper pulled away and started walking again.

"I could have told them a whole hell of a lot more than I did," Edward called after him.

Jasper waved him off. He didn't need or want a history lesson right now.

And if Edward kept pushing at him, he was going to take him to task for punching him earlier.

* * *

Alice smiled and stretched her arms toward him as he opened their bedroom door. "I didn't expect you to come home this soon."

He crawled on the bed toward Alice's beckoning arms and kissed her mouth.

"It didn't take me as long as I thought it would to find my calm." Jasper pulled aside Alice's shirt and looked at the bite he'd given her.

"It's fine," Alice said, shoving his hand aside and covering up the mark.

"Alice, let me soothe it for you." Jasper bent his head to her breast and licked at the wound.

She ran her hands through his unruly blonde locks.

After a few minutes Alice said, "If you keep doing that much longer we're going to have to make a quick trip into the forest."

Jasper kissed her chest, her neck, her chin, and then her mouth. "We can, you know, here on the bed."

"Are you sure?"

Jasper grinned. "Let's give 'em a show Rosalie and Emmett style."

Alice's eyes widened. "Jasper!"

* * *

Edward slammed his hands against the keys of his piano and raced out of the house.

Esme and Carlisle left their bedroom and were surprised to see Emmett sitting on the couch.

He said, "Rosalie's in the garage. That's Jasper and Alice, if you can believe it."

Emmett craned his head toward the ceiling. "Can the two of you keep it down? You're distracting my TV watching!"

* * *

**A/N: It took me a looonnngg time to come up with an ending for this story because I was wanting to write some spectacularly memorable ending that made you say, "Wow, I'm glad I invested my time reading this story. You **

**didn't build us up for a let down." Selfishly, ****I wanted you to turn the story over in your head days after reading it. Welll....good endings are a bitch to write and great ones are even more difficult to write because, by its very **

**nature, endings are depressing: the ****story has come to a halt. There's a fine balancing act between leaving the story open-ended while, at the same time, bringing the reader a satisfying conclusion. I'm not satisfied and, at**

**best, I'd say this ending is serviceable. I would appreciate any feedback/advice from my fellow writers regarding how to write a great ending for this story or any story in general. **


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